Liv TYou keep asking yourself this question: “why do I keep attracting the wrong people?” and it’s time you get a legitimate answer…
You’re smart, successful, and self-aware. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, and have definitely gone therapy. You do all the things–yet, despite your best efforts (and the money you’ve spent), you find yourself repeatedly entangled with men who are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or simply not right for you.
And you are overrr it. It’s time to meet someone incredible, who “gets” you and is fun and knows where he’s going…and doesn’t split bills. (cue barf emoji)
So let’s get you out of your head, and out on some better dates!
1. It may be a familiar pattern
The most likely reason you may be caught in a cycle of attracting unavailable men is honestly because it’s just the most natural feeling process for you! The cycle is all too familiar: you meet someone who seems promising, only to discover patterns of emotional unavailability or inconsistency.
Go through this enough times, and you might just start questioning yourself. Your worth. Your ability. PAINFULLY AWARE that you’re the common denominator in these relationships, it can be easy to blame yourself for the bad behavior of your dates. But what you need to know is that it’s not your FAULT if the men in your life aren’t treating you the way you want to be treated…but it IS your RESPONSIBILITY to change. Set up proper boundaries and raise your standards so you no longer *tolerate* such behavior.
It’s also important to note that this pattern typically stems from deep-seated, unconscious beliefs about how love looks, as well as unresolved issues from the past. According to Psychology Today, individuals commonly seek partners who mirror their early caregivers–frequently in an effort to “fix” wounds your parents inflicted (whether intentional or just normal human error,) through current relationships.
When you SEE that you keep using unavailable men as a means to try to close the perceived distance between you and..well most often your dad…you now have the power to ACT instead of feel reactive to these men you can never *quite* have.
2. You may have the “fixer” mentality
Many high-achieving individuals possess a natural inclination to solve problems and help others. And while this trait is admirable in professional settings, it can become detrimental in personal relationships when directed at the PERSON and not the relationship itself…
The (unconscious) desire to “fix” a partner can attract individuals who are emotionally unavailable or dealing with significant personal issues that NEED TO BE FIXED! So can you really be mad…when you’re actually getting exactly what you want? I mean, yes obviously you can–but does that help to see that you ARE attracting what you think you need? Because if you can attract what you *think* you need from a wounded place, think what you can attract when you take charge of this mentality and DECIDE that you’re no longer going to be “Barbara the Builder” and that you are closed for construction projects?!
This pattern can also be a way to avoid addressing one’s own issues, focusing instead on the partner’s “flaws”. It’s easier to criticize someone else when you’re hyper-critical of yourself, right? I don’t need to tell you that you probably have things you’re avoiding…but sometimes seeing our behavior in writing can be enough to snap us out of it. So I’m hoping this accomplishes that if you struggle with a “fixing” pattern!
What to do next: breaking the cycle
Awareness is the first step to create change, as I’m sure you already know!
Recognizing these patterns allows you to make conscious choices in your relationships. It’s essential to set clear boundaries, REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM, and wait for partners who are ready to build WITH you! Rather than jumping into things with someone who needs you to mother him.
Engaging in self-reflection and embracing support to anchor you into your confidence and self-assurance, (hello it’s me, I’m the coach you hire when you’re ready to calibrate to your MOST SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP) can be the catalyst you need to *finally* say “goodbye” to Mr. Unavailable and “I do” to Mr. Has His Sh*t Together.
If you want to explore available coaching options, you can email me directly: livtalley@thesealeddeal.com with the subject: ATTRACTION and I’d be excited to see how we can work together. Or you can explore the option of having me literally find someone FOR YOU with my signature matchmaking services!
Remember, attracting the wrong partners doesn’t define your worth. And it doesn’t diminish your capacity for love! Your future relationship can be bright, romantic, and healthy…regardless of your past! By understanding and addressing the underlying factors contributing to your patterns of the past, you can pave the way for more fulfilling and supportive relationships. Now!
So…are you ready to attract the RIGHT kinds of guys??
If your answer is yes, I so look forward to reading an email from you.
Xo,
Liv
