Liv Talley | NYC's Premier Dating Coach and LOVE QUEEN

Attraction

The Secret Life of Dating Apps

Hi babe!!

DID YOU KNOW there’s a secret life of dating apps that no one has told you about??

In other words: dating apps are *not* built for everyone, and it’s time you learn who they ARE designed for, and how you can yield their power (and convenience) for yourself!

Now to give you some background: I have been using, working with, studying, or otherwise analyzing these apps for the last 10 years. I was about 17 when Tinder entered the waters of dating, I have partnered with various services, and I’ve both used them for good…and for evil.

There are two types of people that dating apps are DESIGNED for

Listen, I’m just going to lay this out for you transparently: the first type of person that dating apps are really “made” for (as in, the nature of how they work created a breeding ground for this person to thrive, I can’t say this was the INTENDED purpose of their creation) is THE BEAUTIFUL AND THE DAMNED.

This type of user is HOT. And they know it. Generally speaking, they have no trouble getting dates in real life, and unfortunately for you if you come across their profile, they are not interested in meeting.

You see, they are on the apps for the ego boost. They want to get on and swipe as many people as they can find on there, just to know they’ll match and likely get messaged.

These users are unlikely to respond to you, and most likely never even looked at your profile.

They just want the dopamine hit of attention. And the way that ALL dating apps are laid out with pictures to swipe on, they get that attention. Now I don’t think this makes them bad–the user or the apps–but if YOU aren’t this type, and you match with hotties that never respond, this *might* be why!

(Obviously if your opening messages are BORING AF, that’s another reason you won’t get responses, but we’ll get to that.)

So let’s just lay this out transparently: if you’re matching with users SO FAR out of your normal “pool” of who you typically go out with–yes, I’m saying if they are significantly hotter than you’ve ever connected with in real life–I won’t say never, but you probably want to keep this “attention user” in mind.

ABSOLUTELY shoot your shot if you get the match–but if you never hear anything back, it’s very likely that the unicorn you’ve just matched with was rejected by someone they really liked and went on a swiping spree to feel better about themselves.

That might be frustrating for you to learn. But at the end of the day, the apps CREATE this environment, and that works exactly how these types of people want it to. They don’t care about matches, they just want to feel desirable without putting themselves in any risk.

BUT NOT TO WORRY, there are absolutely people on there who genuinely want to meet someone and do just that!

The second type of dating app user that the apps are actually designed for are the romantically initiated.

In my business, I come across a LOT of singles who are, well, miserable. They believe that they are OWED love and dates (usually these are people with “NICE GUY/GIRL SYNDROME” who think that being nice is a currency they can exchange for someone else’s time. Which btw is MANIPULATION and in fact, not nice at all.)

These users get on dating apps and either constantly complain, or send the world’s most uninteresting/unengaging openers and then get mad when they don’t get a response.

DATING APPS ARE NOT BUILT FOR THESE TYPES OF INTERACTIONS.

Rather, if you want your fave dating app to actually be the vehicle that connects you to your forever partner, you need to be EMOTIONALLY MATURE and use it intentionally.

The thing is–dating apps DO work! Many years ago, I worked at a diamond store, and literally 6/10 couples that came in to shop for a ring told me that they met each other on an app!

Now this doesn’t mean that you have to make them work for you if you don’t like them, but IF YOU DO…

Let’s dive into the top 3 ways to make dating apps work for you
  1. Get CLARITY — if you don’t know what you want in a partner, if you don’t know what you want right now (are you looking to get serious? Are you wanting something more casual? Did you move somewhere new and want to make some new connections?) and if you don’t know what you want your eventual MARRIAGE to look like long term, you have no business being on the apps. After all, how can you know you’ve found what you want, if you don’t know what that is?!Take time to DECIDE what a long-term relationship looks like for you. How do you want it to feel? Who do you want to be inside that relationship? And what action are you taking NOW to be that person?

    Once you’re clear on who you want to be, and the type of relationship that enables you to THRIVE, it becomes clear who you need your partner to be in order to build that relationship.

  2. EMOTIONAL MATURITY — I talked about this earlier, but the fact of the matter is: if you fall apart every time you get ghosted or rejected or things don’t work out–you’re emotionally infantile. Guess what? Dating never works until it does. Everyone experiences trials on the journey to love. YOU CAN’T MAKE IT MEAN THAT YOU’RE UNLOVABLE EVERY TIME IT DOESN’T WORK!And no, this doesn’t mean suppress all emotions (tbh, if you need that caveat then you are not where you need to be emotionally to build something healthy + lasting) it just means that we all get our heart broken! And yes, that sucks.

    But if you aren’t *willing* to be vulnerable and really lay it all out on the line, even if you MIGHT get rejected, you aren’t ready for a relationship. Which is actually totally okay! You don’t have to date if you’re single. You get to take time to do you, and figure your stuff out, and have fun–without the pressure of NEEDING to find your forever person.

  3. HAVE FUN — this may come as a shock to you…but DATING IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!! If you’re not having fun in the process, if you’re overly cynical and complain, the people you WANT to date will not enjoy your company.On the other hand–if you have a positive attitude, greet people with warmth and friendliness and a smile–you are BOTH more likely to have a good time regardless of whether it turns into something more, or it was just a fun interaction!

    Yes, take your boundaries and your goals and your standards seriously. But don’t take the process of DATING too seriously. Go meet new people. Create connections. Have fun conversations that you don’t put so much pressure on. Enjoy yourself and I promise, dating will go better for you overall.

 

See how simple that is? 3 steps you can take right now and your whole experience on the apps (and dating in general) will turn around for the better:)

Confession…I’ve actually been BOTH of these types of users. I’ve used the apps to feel better about myself when I got dumped. But I also got it together and used the apps to meet awesome new people! I consistently got matches and went on dates from the apps when I wanted to.

In the end, I met my husband in person–but I am still grateful that these apps were available to me on my dating journey! Especially as someone who moves around a lot, it was SO wonderful to have access to new people at my fingertips. I never wanted to use dating apps to find a husband, but I LOVED them for meeting casually.

YOU GET TO DECIDE HOW DATING APPS WORK FOR YOU!

And there’s not right/wrong answer for what you want. Okay?

I hope that sheds some light on why your experience with the apps might be so frustrating, and how to improve it moving forward! As always, if you have questions, you can always email me directly here: livtalley@thesealeddeal.com

PS! Did you know that while I was using the apps in my single days, I developed a PROVEN profile criteria checklist for getting matches? Yep, I researched, tested, adjusted, and eventually mapped out exactly what makes an attractive profile:) If you want me to check YOURS out and “audit” it to get the most out of your app experience, connect with me on IG (@livtalleyofficial) and send me a dm with screenshots of your profile and I’ll tell you how to elevate it if necessary.

Totally complimentary!

KK love you. Good luck out there.

XO,
Liv

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