Liv Talley | NYC's Premier Dating Coach and LOVE QUEEN

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Stop Dating People Who Are Taken

While you may think it seems inherent NOT to dating people who are unavailable, you are doing it all the time…

Imagine it’s summer term and a regulation hottie moves into the ward.

They are cool, attractive, and just elusive enough that you can’t help but want to chase them. (Probably like everyone else will.)

The novelty of everything being new and unknown creates this response that you almost need to get their attention.

On the one hand, the harder someone is to pin down, the more mysterious they become. And often, that makes them more attractive to you. Almost an obsession. (Think of how much harder Luke P tries as soon as Hanna decides she doesn’t like him.)

Unfortunately, that adrenaline rush is stopping you from seeing that they are already taken.

Nothing is going to make you crazier than pursuing someone who isn’t available.

If they aren’t pursuing you…they aren’t available.

It’s common to come up with excuses or assign intentions to someone you like as to why they aren’t trying dating you:

1. They are busy

2. Their focus is currently their career

3. A past relationship or heartbreak

4. Multiple other options they are simultaneously pursuing

Any of these things might be true. But it may also be true that they just aren’t interested.

Either way–they are already taken by someone or someTHING else. And like you wouldn’t (hopefully) spend all your time trying to get an who has a significant other, apply the same mindset to people who are committed to…not you.

So stop making yourself crazy with all the reasons they aren’t making an effort to date you.

Rather, start asking yourself why you’re so interested in them?

When your dopamine is triggered by a new possibility, that chemical response can overpower your logic–which can consume you into trying to learn why they don’t like you.

But if someone is not giving you the attention and love that you need, why continue the chase?

Tory Eletto, a licensed Marriage and Family therapist says, “in order to stay with someone that doesn’t actively choose us, we have to actively stop choosing ourselves too…how we practice love with others comes from how we practice love with ourselves.”

In the beginning stages of dating, before you’re together, it’s important to take inventory of their actions, over how you feel about them. If their actions indicate that they are unavailable, the strongest feelings in the world won’t make someone date you.

The tighter you try to hold on to them in this situation, the further away you’re likely to push them.

And the worse you’re going to feel about yourself.

Because you’re romanticizing the idea of a person, over who they are to you. You’re responding to observed characteristics a person has shown, vs actual effort to show their best self to you, and get yours in return.

You can’t expect to be able to fully love or appreciate another person if you’re not giving yourself the love that you deserve.

So take an inventory.

Look at the person you’re crushing on and ask: why am I interested in them? Are we building something together? Has the effort been mutual?

Step back from your infatuation to analyze where their investment level is at.

This exercise will help you to gain better control over your feelings while eliminating a lot of wasted time.

How fast do you walk away when that babe at Vasa you’ve been strategically lifting next to finally reveals their silicone wedding band? Unless you’re a homewrecker, that should be immediate.

The same switch should go off in your brain when someone is proving to you with their actions that they are taken.

If a person is interested in you, you’ll know. If they aren’t, you’ll be confused. And that’s all you need when deciding if you like them or not.

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