Liv TIn honor of August being HALFWAY OVER (and spooky szn well on its way) I want to write a cautionary tale that might scare you a bit. The dating landscape is rife with stories of whirlwind romances gone wrong….and one alarming trend I’ve seen hurt women I love and work with, specifically?
Men “locking down” women with quick commitments—proposing marriage after just 3 months (or sooner😱😱😱) or pressuring young women into early marriages. Only to then “flip a switch”, and reveal themselves to be someone completely different than who she thought she was marrying.
This particularly sinister trend traps women in years of emotional and legal entanglements, leaving them labeled “less desirable” in the dating market by the time they escape, while men face little backlash.
As a coach who strives to empower women to attract aligned partners and who unapologetically promotes marriage, I’m diving into this issue with data and insights.
Let’s explore the harm, the double standards, and how you can date with intention to avoid these pitfalls (and these men!)
The Rush into Marriage: Commitment Too Early = Red Flag
Marrying too quickly or too young often sets the stage for heartbreak. And unfortunately, I’m seeing this become a “trend”.
The allure of a fast proposal—whether at 20 or after 3 months—can feel like a fairy tale, but research warns otherwise. A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships links rushed relationships to higher rates of intimate partner violence (IPV), with early intense bonding masking controlling behaviors.
Women may see a quick engagement as romantic, but it’s often a tactic to secure commitment before true character emerges.
For young women, early marriage amplifies the risk. A 2023 PMC study on early marriage consequences found that women marrying before age 25 face a 31% higher likelihood of divorce and emotional distress due to immaturity and power imbalances.
Women online share stories of men proposing early to lock in partners, only to change post-vows. One described a man who was charming at 23 but became controlling after a 3-month engagement. Another recounted a partner who turned destructive after a rushed wedding. And I HATE to say, that I’ve seen it happen to my friends. And the common comment these women all make? “It’s like he has BPD or something; I wish I could have seen it coming.”
To add salt to the wound? Psychological research ties this to rejection sensitivity, leading to abusive patterns post-commitment.
In my work, I see women in their 40s and 50s who married young or too fast, investing decades hoping for change, only to realize the initial rush was a mirage.
And I think this matter is further exacerbated by the fact than any time women speak openly about this, they are FLOODED with comments or stories of other women saying “I got married young/quickly and I’m fine!”
That’s honestly great that these commenters didn’t experience this horrific betrayal. But it’s NOT helping the women who have. So I’m speaking out about it.
Writer’s note: we live in a weird time where ANY story, any post, any experience shared online gets immediately invalidated by people who have experienced something contrary. Just because someone else’s experience is not YOUR experience, doesn’t mean either of you are “wrong.” We need more understanding that nuance & emotional intelligence mean letting people have a story that contradicts yours without rushing to shut them down or defend yourself.
The “Flip”: When the True Self Emerges After Marriage
Once married, these types of men “flip a switch,” transitioning from loving to controlling, distant, or in worst cases: abusive. This devaluation phase is common in narcissistic dynamics, where early mirroring gives way to criticism and manipulation. Women report partners who adapt initially but erode confidence over time, forcing survival mode. This is also common among people who identify with having a “dismissive avoidant” attachment style, where they have a negative view of themselves as well as others, and is so easily triggered//will shut down instantly.
The American Psychological Association also links rushed marriages to higher emotional exhaustion and lower satisfaction, with a 2024 study noting a 28% increase in anxiety among women in “fast-tracked” romances. Additionally, a study in Frontiers in Psychiatry on childhood trauma and relationship satisfaction shows unresolved issues surface after early commitments, harming women more due to societal expectations to “make it work.”
A more and more commonly used tactic (at the moment) has been revealed that men will participate in what’s called breadcrumbing. Basically, he will make empty promises, offer *just enough* effort to stay in her mind, without any genuine vulnerability or consistency—to maintain control, trapping women for years. I think it’s a misconception that “breadcrumbing” is just something people do in dating to avoid commitment. If you’re being asked for a commitment that doesn’t match the actual quality and closeness of the connection, you may be falling for a trap designed to keep you off the market, without receiving any genuine closeness from your partner.
And for those marrying young, the impact cannot be ignored. A Deseret News article (2023) on early marriage notes that couples wedding before 25 report 20% lower marital satisfaction due to unformed identities, often exacerbated by a partner’s “sudden change.” Which often traps women in cycles of hope and despair as their husband gives them just enough attention not to leave, but not enough to feel satisfied in the relationship.
I think it’s worth noting that I’ve observed the most profound shift in personality, values, beliefs, and behaviors at age 27. This is a time when you’ve gotten enough space & life experience away from your family to really question what you believe and why. I call it “the dark night of the soul” age. And honestly, getting married before you’ve experienced this is honestly the biggest gamble you’ll ever make.
Yes, all marriage is a gamble. You, unfortunately, don’t get guarantees about happiness or life or that your marriage will work out. BUT, you can take rational precautions to give yourself, your spouse, and your marriage the best possible chance.
Recently I was on LinkedIn reading a post that had over 200 comments on: how long should a couple date before they get married?
I read more comments than I would have liked that echoed “I got married after 2 weeks and we are so happy!”
Listen, I’m not saying you can’t make it work if that’s your situation. Marriage is always a choice at the end of the day. That being said, IF you choose to get married young, or super fast–more often than not, it’s the WOMAN who receives the majority of the negatives associated if things *don’t* work out. And I’m not trying to scare anyone out of marriage! I LOVE being married and I truly believe in my soul that it’s our highest calling as humans with infinite souls to commit to someone who expands our lives, that we build a new little world with.
I just want you to have that in the BEST possible way, and to help you avoid as much of the pain along the way as I can. That’s my job, after all!
The Trap: Years Lost and the Dating Market Penalty
Now sadly, most of the true harm of jumping into a significant commitment too early (especially as a woman) lies in the years lost—often 5-10. And unfortunately, society often deems women as “less desirable” in the dating marketplace as they get older than men. A Medium article highlights that women over 40 are devalued in dating, while men are seen as distinguished. Dating app users note women over 33 receive fewer matches, reflecting this bias. In fact, I was just sitting down with a woman, who BTW is beautiful, elegant, funny, intelligent, and makes…a LOT of money, and she told me that since turning 37 her matches are almost nonexistent. This is compared to previously getting several matches (and subsequently going on multiple dates) every month.
Now is it ACTUALLY true that women are less “valuable” in the dating marketplace than men as they age? Of *course* not. However I’ve observed being in the dating industry for years that women ages 37-50 tend to struggle to find a relationship the most. Men, however, can be 35-50 and seemingly have no problem landing women in their early-mid 30’s. And largely REFUSE to date women in their 40’s. It’s not pretty, and I know that.
Post-divorce, women also remarry less often than men. A ScienceDirect study on gender differences after union dissolution found women face a 40% lower remarriage rate, compounded by emotional and financial setbacks.
And, a series of recent X posts highlight how men “trap” women during fertile or prime years, emerging “better” positioned post-breakup. This is getting some traction in the podcast world, and definitely needs to be talked about more. What is with this war men and women seem to be waging on each other?!
Early marriages also tend to amplify this, with women leaving at 30 or 40 facing steeper dating market challenges than men who find they can remarry easily…and to someone in her 20’s.
My girls: please take this article as a warning to be SO intentional about who you spend your time with and what your standards are. If he tries to PROPOSE to you too early, that’s a red flag. If he dates you too long WITHOUT proposal (imo, any guy taking longer than 2-3 years to give you a ring is likely not going to) that’s also a red flag.
It’s just as important to be cautious of a man who moves too quickly, as a man who moves too slow. Commitment is progressive and should be naturally being approached AS you deepen your trust in each other. If you don’t have trust (maybe you don’t know him well enough or having seen enough life experience….or you’ve seen too much) you need to be CAREFUL making significant commitments!
The Gender Double Standard: Why Men Escape Unscathed
The double standard is stark.
Men who “flip” after rushing marriage often reenter the dating scene with minimal stigma, leveraging age and experience as assets. Men over 40 are 25% more likely to remarry younger partners, while women face age-based rejection.
Society blames women for “failing” marriages, often ignoring male behavior.
And of course, I’ve seen both sides of this. Men can be attacked and blamed for too much (hello the “toxic masculinity” movement that I think HURT everyone,) but I’ve also seen men get away with letting their marriages fall apart with seemingly no consequences more than women. It takes 2 to make a marriage work, and of course both spouses bare responsibility in divorce. But women tend to share the MAJORITY of the emotional and even financial fallout, whereas men tend to get back into things relatively unscathed.
There’s a book I recommend reading on the subject called: Smart Women Finish Rich. Truthfully the second half of the book fell off a bit for me, but I was interested in the fact that the author, David Bach (one of America’s most trusted financial experts) pivoted to specifically help women because of the negative impact he saw among them post-divorce or loss of husband.
His book is a major reason why I started publicly advocating so vehemently that all women–regardless of your relationship status–need to have their own, independent income. When I saw how much divorce & widowing disproportionately harmed women, I literally pivoted my second business (as a mentor) to specifically support married women into financial independence.
I love men and I do feel they are unfairly attacked//mischaracterized online and by the media. BUT I will also not stand for women being harmed by men with bad intentions, and I sincerely hope this post has helped shed light on why it’s so important that you stay vigilant in your search for love.
Breaking Free: Intentional Dating
Don’t let rushed marriages trap you, but don’t lose heart either, my love. I WANT you to find the man and the relationship that heals you on a soul level. I want you to be giddy when you wake up next to your man. I want you to know what it feels like to be supported and loved because the man who has been praying for a woman like you FINALLY found you!
AND…
I want you to be smart and not fall for idiot, dusty a** sons that are going to waste your time. Whether intentionally or not! I get that probably most of the time, this kind of behavior of rushing in too quick is not malicious. I know really great guys who fall head-over-heels for women I knew and tried to lock them down ASAP.
But there ARE guys out there who are calculated.
In both instances, it will be the MOST beneficial to you if you be cautious, take your time, and protect yourself a bit. Love is of course a risk. And you can’t mitigate all possible outcomes.
However, my mission as a coach & matchmaker, is to help women avoid these traps AND get the love they dream of.
Tips to help guard you against time wasters & potential life-ruiners:
- Ground Yourself: Use somatic work & techniques (5-minute deep breathing) to stay regulated throughout the entire dating process! If you have a strong sense of self and are rooted into your identity as an infinite daughter of the Creator, it is MUCH easier to trust your body and gut sense when getting to know men.
- Vet Slowly; build trust, observe objectively: Watch for consistency over 6-12 months before any SIGNIFICANT commitment (like engagement). Your intuition isn’t necessarily fool-proof, and real creeps can put on a VERY good show. However, psychology reveals that someone who is putting on a mask for you can’t maintain the facade for longer than 9 months. So PLEASE, be intentional about who you get serious with. Taking your time dating won’t “lose” you anything if you do end up getting married, but it COULD SAVE YOU years of heartache.And my caveat to the timeline here, is also life experience. Time inside the relationship is important. Seeing how you disagree and how the other person handles big emotions and getting to know their family will tell you *so much* about the person you’re dating. HOWEVER, it’s just as important to look at their history//life story independent of meeting you! Do they have a history of making & keeping their goals? Do they live with integrity? Have they experienced hard things (and processed them properly)? Do they keep their promises to themselves?
Part of what makes me so nervous when young couples rush into relationships is that they don’t have a history to look at. They have a LOT of potential and desire to grow (which is admirable) but if you don’t have actual, measurable evidence to look at…you’re taking a much bigger risk than you need to in this day and age.
- Always build yourself: Inside the relationship and out, you will always be the responsible for taking care of yourself and getting your needs met. A partner is supposed to make getting your needs met EASIER, and to an extent–yes, they are responsible for your emotional well-being. But it’s not their full-time job. And your S/O is *not* capable of being your “everything.” You have to have the wherewithal and emotional accountability to let your partner be a human. Some days, they may not be able to meet your needs, and that has to be okay. This is what we have friends and family, community, church, and boundaries for!
- Be weary of grand gestures: More and more, I see a call online for big, romantic gestures. Women demanding “princess treatment” and to be lavished in gifts and first class flights and surprise vacations. And I get it! I love living the “high life” as much as the next girl (if not more!) It’s just prudent to understand that the majority of big romantic gestures are performative. They are used in lieu of real, honest intimacy. Men who default to doing what is PERCEIVED as romantic, often do so to hide their own inability to take accountability for themselves. I’ve noticed that men who are emotionally intelligent and who are REALLY good partners, want to learn how to offer romantic gestures that are tailored to you…instead of doing what movies (or social media) tells them to do.
- Be clear about what you want in life & out of a marriage: Even when speaking with some of my high-profile clients (I’m talking about women who have prestigious jobs at top firms and/or literally have millions to their name) they are unclear about what they want in a partner. They think love will just, happen. They aren’t sure of the ROLE they want a husband to play, and they haven’t considered the values they want to teach their kids. And I don’t share that to bash these women, but to illustrate that you can have your entire life figured out & be extremely well put-together–and still have not actually sat down to consider what you’re really looking for! And why. (If you want to join our matchmaking database, you can actually sign up by clicking HERE and use my invite code: LivT. All profiles are vetted for approval before they are added into the system, so you do have to be approved as a fit for our clientele…but if you are, Maclynn International Agency will email you a “values exercise” that can help clarify what you want in a partner!)
- Remember that you don’t FIND the love of your life…you build it
I know it’s controversial to take such a hard stance on timelines. But I am seeing too much damage happen to people I love, not to draw a line in the sand.
Yes, I think you can be too young, too inexperienced, too naive. You can let hormones and lust and media (or even well-meaning family) pressure you into making a decision you’re not fully ready to make.
I always say that everything is “figuroutable.” And I stand by that. But my darling you don’t need to figure out a situation you can AVOID. So I hope this helps you see that rushing into commitments and marriage can hurt you…and while it’s true that sometimes love hurt and life isn’t about avoiding pain–some experiences you just don’t need to have!
Learn from women who have painfully learned this lesson, and please–stay aware & intentional about who you choose to spend the rest of your life with.
Xo, Liv Talley
Sources: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, PMC, X Posts, American Psychological Association, Frontiers in Psychiatry, Deseret News, Medium, Reddit, ScienceDirect, Psychology Today, Journal of Family Issues. Disclaimer: Data is illustrative.
Contact Liv for tailored advice: livtalley@thesealeddeal.com or to inquire about coaching and/or matchmaking services
