Liv TTime to discuss the dating trap that we have ALL, at one point or another, faced: the “do-over”. Is it worth it to rekindle the spark with an old flame, or are you just going to get burned again?
I have a client I’ve been working with for a while who is in the beginning stages of reconnecting with someone she dated before, and we’ve been having…extensive conversations about it. Is it a good idea to see someone you broke up with before? Can it really work out if it didn’t in the past? Should a breakup be the end, forever?
These are questions I’ve considered over the years. First, as a single woman navigating the world of connection. And now as a professional. It’s a complex topic that requires multiple angles of perspective. So let’s look at it, together.
The first angle worth considering:
Why did you break up in the first place?
Things can fall apart in a relationship for all kinds of reasons. Timing, maturity, past traumas, intentions, work, kids…the list is truly endless. Especially in a time where people will breakup over “the ick.” Which as far as I can tell, is any innocuous, nit-picky, real or imagined quirk that someone has. And while I was as guilty as anyone for dumping someone over silly things…which is completely fine! You get to break up with anyone for any reason (real or imagined) that you want!
And if you’re not in a place–mentally or emotionally–to be serious with someone, you absolutely WILL find any and all reasons to bail. It happens. It’s part of the modern dating experience.
But sometimes? Those reasons are real. They’re incredibly valid. You can be so deeply in love with someone and KNOW in your heart that you can’t build a life with them. Someone can be WONDERFUL, and still not share your values or your desired lifestyle.
You can think of me as cynical, but given the choice, I will *always* encourage individuals to choose their dream over the person they’re dating. (Yes, in an IDEAL situation, you’re dating someone that SHARES your dream!) But sometimes, you’re getting to know a person who has a lot of great qualities, just to find out they never want to leave the country. And it’s always been your dream to live abroad! So you have to decide: do you stick it out with this person and maybe HOPE they change their mind? Or do you go abroad?
I have another client I’ve been working with who has been wrestling with this same question. In her heart, she wants to move to London. But she is meeting guys who will never even consider leaving NYC. She asked me “do I choose the guy and try to make it work in a place I ultimately don’t want to live–or do I live where my heart feels called to go and hope I meet someone there?”
I’m sure you can guess…but I told her to move. There are ALWAYS going to be men anywhere women are, lol.
And of course, there are irreconcilable differences. Like wanting kids or not wanting kids, being religious, how you like to spend your free time, etc. I currently work with singles in DC and let me tell you how much CONTEMPT each side of the political aisle has for the other. I’ve talked with people who have said one of the first questions they are asked on a date is: “who did you vote for?” While I personally find that to be neurotic as h*ll for a first date, I get that politics are some people’s entire personalities so it’s as natural for them to BE their affiliation as it is for them to have blonde or dark hair.
Which is again, okay!
You get to have whatever preferences and hard lines in dating that you want to have. And it IS important to decide the values you want to pass on (if you’re planning on having a family.) I don’t necessarily think politics are as relevant as religion, but for many people politics are their religion. So maybe it’s valid to ask about on date one after all.
The bottom line though, is: did you break up because you’re actually incompatible (or, heaven forbid, severe mistreatment of some kind)? Or did you breakup because you lacked the proper skill set to navigate conflict effectively?
If you broke up because of a skill, timing, or emotional issue…can things be repaired?
Skills, timing and emotional patterns in dating
Okay thinking back a few years ago when I was dating, I DEFINITELY sabotaged some good men. I’m not someone who has regrets, and I’m perfectly happy with my husband & life as it is now–but I think it’s worth admitting that I made my share of mistakes along the way.
There was probably a guy or two that “got away.” And the one guy I dated that I dumped and DID try to get back together with…was a disaster. We definitely weren’t compatible, didn’t want the same things, and we shouldn’t have tried a second time. But most of my breakups were based on the fact that I had absolutely no conflict resolution skills. If we disagreed about things, I *thought* that meant we weren’t compatible. (Which was ironic because men I dated that I never disagreed with were so boring to me.)
It just didn’t click for me that I was always going to see the world differently than even the most aligned man! And that I needed to learn how to speak to those differences with understanding and intimacy VS combativeness and defense.
Learning those skills late, I never actually wanted to practice them with anyone I had dated before. I wanted to refine them with my husband, and that has lead to a marriage I
I also know women who did breakup with their man, take a beat to reevaluate, and get back together again. One of them has been married to her “second chance” for 10 years now (and they have 4 ADORABLE kids!) Their breakup came about because they had a miscommunication and a lack of clarity. But they repaired, talked through it all, and have been as happy as ever!
It’s my deeply held belief (and also a psychological fact) that most people are not *actually* narcissists. And the reason behind MOST breakups is due a lack of relationship skills, more than even incompatibility.
Fortunately, skills can be learned!
Unfortunately, the majority of people who lack interpersonal skills are unaware of their existence. So would it be safe to say most romantic relationships fall apart due to ignorance?
Relationship skills include conflict resolution as I’ve talked about before, but also they include personal accountability for your actions, awareness of your wounds//behavior patterns, nervous-system regulation, and healthy coping mechanisms/outlets. Understanding that both you and your partner are imperfect humans learning HOW to love each other, (while also unlearning unhealthy responses that we ALL act out,) and that you can’t expect each other to be “everything” for you is KEY to building a lasting relationship that makes you truly happy.
Re-igniting an old flame requires cautious optimism
As my dad once said “I’m the kind of person who tries to forgive and extend second chances.”
When weighing whether or not it’s a good idea to try again, it’s important to step outside of your ego. You need to make this decision from a place of emotional maturity…not a knee-jerk reaction. You see, I’ve observed that one significant driving force for wanting to get back together is the desire to be validated.
Almost like, if you can get this person BACK, you’ll be able to prove that you’re lovable. Or that you were “right”. Or with the hope that you’ll change them. And when you’re approaching your ex with the intent to validate something…you may be headed right into a disaster. I’d say for the most part, my rule of thumb has been “you broke up for a REASON…so is the reason still in play?” But I try to be an optimist (and I never say never!)
So how can things work out THIS time if they didn’t before?
FIRST, you have to have an honest conversation about what tore you apart. Can you acknowledge it? Do you know what it was? Can you vocalize it with clarity & vulnerability?
If you can’t even name what you broke up over…chances are, it will be the same thorn that hurts you again.
And maybe more important that knowing the thing and addressing the thing–is working *through* the thing! (Hint: if it can’t be worked through, it’s going to be best to leave this second chance behind.) You can love someone & see how good of a person they are, and STILL know they’re not right for you.
Things don’t have to work out with someone just because they’re treating you well. You don’t have to marry someone just because you get along and think they are beyond sexy. I suspect the driving force behind most “get back togethers” is chemistry. When you mistake sexual compatibility with investment, the other person can feel almost more like an addiction than a genuine partner. And while I know how hard it can be to kick the habit of someone you literally can’t keep your hands off of…I also know that emotional safety and someone who puts effort into taking care of you//your relationship is so much more gratifying in the long run.
Chemistry is something to SUSTAIN your relationship–not drive it. The driving force of something real, something that lasts, is compatibility, shared values, shared vision for life, and EFFORT into the well-being of the relationship.
Attraction is important, but it’s not enough on its own. (And it’s definitely not enough to warrant a second chance.)
But changed behavior? Ownership? Apologies? Commitments that are honored & actions that match up with words?
YES. These things can all lead to a successful re-happily ever after.
What do you think? Are you a one-and-done dater? Or do you like going back for seconds?
Tell me in the comments!
Xo,
Liv
For matchmaking or coaching services, please contact Liv by email: livtalley@thesealeddeal.com and put “available services” in the subject line and we will get back to you within 24 business hours.
