Liv Talley | NYC's Premier Dating Coach and LOVE QUEEN

Attraction

Love is NOT Blind

Hi babe!

Wrapping up watching the disastrous season 5 of Love is Blind, I thought it was time to give my professional opinion on this new reality dating experiment. Recently I was quoted inside a Yahoo! News article, but I wanted to give my full analysis on the show.

As you probably know if you’ve been following me on social media or reading this blog, I am usually here to trash reality dating tv because I find it deeply problematic for expectations of the singles I work hard to help support. And LIB is absolutely no exception lol.

But I want to break down WHY, specifically, I think this show doesn’t work to facilitate love…

Love isn’t *simply* a feeling, it’s a series of kept promises

My biggest issue with LIB is the premise that these couples get engaged, “sight unseen” and then are given the option to break that promise in front of friends and family, on national tv–which OFTEN results in humiliation. The fact that these couples are given 4(ish) weeks post-engagement to decide, unbeknownst to the other, if they’ll say yes at the altar is so messed up. Like you wanna talk about traumatizing people and GIVING them trust issues…this is the perfect storm for devastating singles.

This is why the couples that break up at the wedding, even if they are compatible, don’t end up working out if they try to date later (like Shayne and Natalie) because the little trust they’ve been able to cultivate together is broken.

In your relationship, if you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything.

Additionally, bringing in the friends and family for a full scale wedding that no one, not even the couple themselves, know will result in both people saying “I do,” is particularly cruel. To everyone…

I will never recover from how horrible Zanab was to Cole at their wedding. That poor guy did not deserve any of that, and he especially didn’t deserve the treatment he received at the reunion. My dude, I feel for him.

Of COURSE there are never any guarantees in love. Even if you meet someone organically and build a healthy foundation together, there’s STILL the possibility that one or both people will bail before the wedding (or even after.) The reason this is so so different is because the engagement in the pods is NOT to get married. The engagement in the pods is yes to the *potential* of saying yes to marriage. It’s a fine line, but as a relationship expert it’s crucial to highlight. The intention is not the same, and it completely undermines the seriousness that needs to accompany commitment.

The pods are all talk, no depth

Obviously communication is key inside any lasting relationship. But for the same reasons I distrust talk therapy, if there’s no real life application to build on and VALIDATE the things you talk about, then it doesn’t really matter. I know that’s a bold statement, and I stand by it. I coach singles who have gone to therapy for years without the needle moving on their outcomes, and the reason is because there has to be circumstances that challenge and prove the conversation as legitimate.

Inside the pods, there are ZERO situations that allow the connections to build. For example, if you ask someone how they handle conflict, but you don’t have any NON-CURATED circumstances to witness them in conflict, you won’t really know if what they say is true. Marriage is too serious a commitment to enter without SEEING your partner in multiple scenarios that help you see if they’re telling you what is real, or what you want to hear.

PS this is also my issue with The Bachelor franchise–all the dates and conversations are perfectly manufactured to BE a certain way, that most couples don’t last in the real world with real life navigation.

Talking can only take you so deep with someone. And I think that it’s highly overrated in our society rn. Everyone is so so keen on oversharing and being “vulnerable” to the masses, that we’ve lost genuine connections. Saying “your truth” is irrelevant if you don’t have integrity with your actions. The current state of things is devoid of integrity across the board…

And yes, if like JP and Taylor, you say “I love who you are, sight unseen,” and then IMMEDIATELY bailing on each other as soon as sight IS seen…I’m sorry but you lied.

WHICH IS WHAT THEY ARE SET UP TO DO ON THE SHOW.

I’m just going to say it, LIB sets couples up for deception. And I don’t like that at all.

Attraction matters

Now to the heart of the show: do looks matter when choosing to love someone??

DUH!!

I always always always walk through attraction in its FULLNESS with my clients–because it has 4 key components: physical chemistry, spiritual values, emotional maturity, and mental compatibility.

Every single time a couple breaks up, or two people don’t end up getting together, is because one of these 4 pieces is missing. When people say “something just isn’t there” I can tell you with absolutely certainty it is ALWAYS one of these. Which means couples that last have found all 4 (to enough of a degree).

That being said, do I think singles are putting TOO MUCH emphasis on looks over the other components? Yes. Oh, 100% Western obsession with appearance is absurd. Whether it’s focusing on perfect beauty standards (or dismantling them) it’s too friggin much. So let me just declare officially the only stance on looks inside a healthy connection that matters:

You need to be physically attracted ENOUGH that you’d enjoy having sex with them for the rest of your life. 

That does NOT mean that they have to be the hottest person you’ve ever met–and I’d argue looking for *that* person will make you miserable in the long run–but if you don’t have any desire to even kiss them, you’re NOT going to enjoy sex. And that will ruin your connection; no matter how much they “get” you or are nice to you.

The physical matters. Period.

If you pay attention to the couples that do end up together, they ALL lucked out on finding someone they’re physically compatible with as much as they’re aligned emotionally. We’ve watched so many matches that claimed to love beyond everything else, that end immediately when they see each other. It’s so cringey to watch on screen and I always feel so bad for them.

As many issues as I have with the show, it would be so hard to make that huge leap with someone and then just have it ruined by seeing them in person. Also…talk about the shot that would be to someone’s confidence to be told that they are loved “unconditionally” but it turns out, their face WAS the condition.

Ps I don’t even believe unconditional love is appropriate for romantic relationships–but that’s a post for another day.

“Blind set-ups work better than love matches”

Okay this is a response I see a lot in support of this show, but first of all: the couples that even say yes by the end of the season has decreased each time. Season 5 only had one couple say yes, and they are already separated.

Second, that’s culturally comparing apples and oranges. Cultures that FAVOR matchmaking, have so many differences from cultures that have never utilized matchmaking. You can’t honestly sit there and tell me it makes sense to compare Indian society to American society and say that matchmaking would work the same in the states. That’s literally insane.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a participant in Western society. You probably have at least one dating profile on an app, and have either received or sent multiple dm’s to shoot a shot. Dating in the digital age has made the experiment of Love is Blind impossible. The amount of choices available, the expectation to connect on multiple levels BEFORE commitment, and the overall impact of social media has revolutionized the way dating goes.

While there are glaring problems inside this “new norm,” I actually think the way dating is structured now sets couples up for better quality relationships overall. IF YOU KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE IT PROPERLY.

The reality is, I had way more freedom than my parents did. I took my time–both in getting ready to MEET my husband, but also in dating him before we got married.

I didn’t NEED to get married when I was 18 in order to be taken care of.
I didn’t NEED to rush our courtship.
I GOT to go on multiple trips with him, and interact with him in various family dynamics, and even experience a full QUARANTINE with him before deciding that we were a good enough match to say yes to forever.

I sought out professional help and support (that I still use to strengthen my marriage to this day,) and that’s why I think our relationship is better than MOST.

But that’s available to everyone–and it’s less stigmatized than it’s ever been. (And when I say less, I mean it’s better, but unfortunately I still see a lot of singles that hold themselves back from coaching because they’re embarrassed by it–which I think is sad because coaching fortifies my marriage like NOTHING else has!)

I just want you to find love

As both a professional and as a hopeless romantic myself, I think MOST dating shows around right now do more harm than good–and that’s why I’m such a critic of them.

Most people who watch these shows will say “oh it’s just a show, I know it’s fake.” But after Izzy and Stacy split, he shares that he keeps hoping for a love like he sees on The Titanic. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, these shows ARE impacting how you view love and your expectations for how it’s “supposed” to go for you.

I want couples to work out. I want marriages to last. I want YOU to be happy and feel loved!

Love is not blind–and I want to help you walk into it with your eyes wide open!

That’s why I’m COMMITTED to developing a show that you can have fun watching AND that will present a journey to aspire to and give you a healthy look at building love! Stay tuned for more on that in 2024…

Recommended Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

0
YOUR CART
  • No products in the cart.