Liv TWelcome, October… I feel that the month of September was immensely heavy, and I am feeling like this new month is a sigh of relief. A new start. Change. And with the newness of the week, the month, the quarter, I wanted to give you something light to read. So let me share my lessons on CONFIDENCE & DATING I learned from Gilmore Girls.
(Which I believe is the vibe as all the millennial “Fall girls” pull out there sweaters, socks, and GG reruns.)
A little known personal fact about me is: when I was first dating, I used Gilmore Girls as a basis for how to do it.
I straight up QUOTED GG lines to men just to see how it would play out. The first time I ever kissed a boy, I had my older sister drive me to his house (I was 15), knocked on the door, and LITERALLY SAID: “I just want to know what it would be like” and laid one on him.
Yes, I know that is incredibly cringe…but I grew up “the ugly sister” and I had no idea how to talk to boys. I WAS awkward, so undoubtedly all my initial dating interactions reflected that. But to me, it was easier to mimic what I saw on screen than to ask someone “hey, how can I be less socially inept?” (Especially because I didn’t even know who to ask!)
Luckily, as I grew up & had more interactions with men, I was able to let go of my mirrored persona and be more genuine. But one thing that persisted in haunting me was my insecurity. For years, it seemed like no matter how genuine I was, how many men I kissed or dated, I still felt like that dumb, ugly 12-year-old who the boys recoiled from. And that kind of story can be hard to let go of! Even now at 32, I have some *intense* body image problems that I have to be so proactive about guarding against.
Particularly, I knew it was still an issue into my 20’s because I struggled to accept compliments. I would consistently either throw them back “NO YOU ARE” or I’d undermine them–and myself–by saying why I didn’t really deserve the praise.
But I could also FEEL that eroding my confidence. So I turned back to my old guide: Gilmore Girls. I asked myself: “what would Lorelai Gilmore say?”
So honestly? I started using that as my default whenever someone complimented me.
“Thank you for noticing.”
And I LOVED it. It felt like I was both expressing gratitude to the other person, and validating that whatever positive thing they said about me was true. It’s a bit cheeky, but endearing. Like our beloved Lorelai. It helped me fortify my sense of self, and receive compliments for the first time. If you are uncomfortable when someone offers you words of affirmation, I HIGHLY recommend trying this out as a response!
Other Gilmore-isms I love:
“Reality has absolutely no place in our world!”
Lorelai’s delusion walked so TT girls could run. Her audacity to work her way up to running The Independence Inn & then buying & building her own without even a high-school diploma is nothing short of inspirational. Sure, she has plenty of flaws and you can see the ways she is emotionally “trapped” at 16, but I always loved her resilience and commitment to her dream.
BUT, something I love most about her is that her ambition never made her man-hating. She was a great (tv) example of what it could look like to be the strong, independent woman who builds a beautiful life for herself…while also welcoming the companionship of capable men.
And I think it’s interesting how much she relies on Luke from the start of the series and why he was SO in love with her–(don’t even get me started on how OUT OF CHARACTER it was for them to break up over April.) From the first episode where she comes to him with her coffee addiction, how she always sought his help with home projects, and when she asks him to support her financially with the Inn, she was ALWAYS inviting him to be a big part of her life.
Which, spoiler: is what ALL men want.
They WANT you to ask them for ridiculous favors. In fact, recently I had asked my husband to do something for me–and it was *so* insane. Like completely out of his way & inconvenient & not something I actually needed at all. But he did it. And he was HAPPY TO. And when I asked why he humors me when I ask for things like that, he responded “because that’s my job as your husband–to do the insane things you ask me to. I know that you’d do them for me if I asked you, too.”
In the end, isn’t that what we all want? Something we’ve built or created from our heart, and someone to share it with?
I love that we were given Lorelai, Paris, Sookie — all confident women who aspired to build something AND welcomed a man to join them on their journey. I used to have a lot of frustration with the way it felt like, as women, we were supposed to choose between marriage or a career. But I loved the way Gilmore Girls showed us that we get to have both…unless you’re Rory. Who FUMBLED Logan. But I also always stand by not choosing a partner in place of your goals. Find the person who doesn’t make you choose between the two. That was his mistake.
And of course, we can’t forget this Paris Geller banger:
I respected that she broke up with Doyle so she could go to medical school. I also respected that he showed her how they could make it work to both pursue their dreams, together. There’s a harmony and confidence you have to be capable of holding to live an interesting life and also be a good spouse. You both have to see that there will be seasons where things might not feel “equal” and that those chapters are hard. But they don’t last forever.
I’m not always the best wife I can be–and I never put my relationship LAST, but there are times where I have to be more focused on my business than on “wifely duties.” And that’s why we have a PARTNER in our spouse. Because sometimes the work shifts and things don’t get done and the house is a mess. As long as you do your best to ensure each other isn’t neglected, then these temporary seasons can pass without harming the relationship. They can even make your bond stronger to know this other person has your back and can pick up the slack for a while.
Being a “power couple” comes down to your independent ability to support each other in pursuing your dreams while also taking great care of the actual connection between you. Sometimes that means I take care of the dog & the house & figure out all the meals while my husband is in training. Sometimes that has meant him doing everything while I go on a business retreat in Paris.
It’s finding a way for you to feel like your relationship comes first, but that you can “take turns” with whose JOB comes next. (At least until you’re pretty well established; and it’s okay if that takes a few years.) Which is also why Lorelai was FULLY justified when she told Luke that he needed to find a way to fit April into their life together, not the other way around. Your relationship HAS to come first before everything else, except God. And pie.
“After all, family is the most important thing.”
Get it?
PS I LOVE Emily and Richard. I don’t even care what criticisms people have of them — they are UNDERRATED and in many ways, freaking goals.
