Liv TSo I’ve been conducting some observational research for….well over a decade now on decoding the “player” archetype. And I write this post to help women like me who continually date emotionally unavailable men who *seem* interested in you. I’ve compiled my experiential research to assist you in determining if he’s serious, or if he’s just playing you.
**THIS IS ALL MY OWN OBSERVATION–NOT STATING AS FACT–SO IF YOU’RE GOING TO GET YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST YOU CAN SKIP THIS POST
But if you’d appreciate some food for thought, read on…
STEP ONE: Unraveling the archetype
According to psychoanalyst James Hollis, in childhood, all humans develop one of two wounds–either you believe you were SO loved and doted on by your parents that it felt SMOTHERING, and you perceived yourself to lack a sense of independence
Or you perceived that you never received ENOUGH love and affection, and therefore felt ABANDONED.
The two wounds then being: abandonment or smothered. The “player” archetype is created from the wound of feeling SMOTHERED. Men who struggle to get serious with women tend to be close with their mothers (which is why a lot of women tend to fall for them as they glean to the old adage that how a man treats his mother is how he will treat YOU.) And while their relationship with their mom is primarily positive on the surface, he typically struggles under the weight of feeling her overbearance.
Commonly, both the mom AND the player will nit-pick ever woman he is ever interested in. They will be quick to find what is “wrong” with her, and he will use this as an excuse for never settling down.
After all, when he is repeatedly told that “no one is ever good enough for my boy” by his mom…he believes her.
Unfortunately, this relationship isn’t all that it seems to be. Because this same overbearing mother ALSO gains her identity in the “success” of her kids. This then strains the relationship as she feels like a failure the longer her son is single; however she equally feels THREATENED by any woman he expresses any interest in–and therefore attempts to sabotage the connection by sewing seeds of doubt at any opportunity.
STEP TWO: Recognizing the signs
If you start dating a man that is giving you mixed signals–despite getting intimate quickly or sharing deeply personal things with you that you would THINK he would only share with someone he was serious about (ie won’t commit to you) then you are probably dating a player.
He won’t call you his girlfriend, but he WILL bring you home to meet his mom WAY TOO SOON. (Whether he is conscious of this or not, he is both trying to please his mom WHILE using her to sabotage your connection.)
He will share deeply personal stories of his childhood with you, but he will be evasive about how he feels about YOU.
And that’s what feels particularly confusing about this guy! He seems to be trying to create an emotional connection with you, but if you try to become exclusive or ask about the future together, he becomes incredibly evasive and avoidant.
Then, if he DOES eventually commit to you, he will be constantly nitpicking you and criticizing you. You’ll never fully feel accepted in the relationship…like you always have something to prove. You’ll also constantly feel ungrounded–as if you say one wrong thing and it will be over. And clarity around where the relationship is headed or confidence about the future? FORGET IT! You’re not even sure he’ll be around tomorrow.
You will also notice yourself needing to prove you’re a “chill girl” and playing the role of accepting EVERYTHING he has ever done because he portrays himself as “misunderstood” and you want to show him how understanding you are.
But here’s the thing: love isn’t about blind acceptance of bad behavior. Love DEMANDS accountability and that is specifically something he will try to avoid (emotionally) at all costs.
STEP THREE: run for the hills
Listen, this isn’t to say this guy is bad or evil or beyond change. But YOU are not capable of facilitating that change. The MOMENT you call him out or demand some responsibility from him, he will bail. Or turn it around on you.
Your job is NOT to baby him. You are not his mom. And what he’s PURSUING with you, is something he can only find by standing up to his mom.
He is chasing you BECAUSE he doesn’t believe he will have to be serious about you. Quite literally, he feels that you won’t “threaten” his independence, and that’s why he’s interested. And that’s his driving behavior: INDEPENDENCE ABOVE ALL ELSE.
That’s why he doesn’t make a good partner, and why you’ll be wasting your time with him unless you are a literal doormat or a hot mess. But I’m guessing if you’re here, you are neither of those things.
He doesn’t set boundaries with his mom, and so he won’t respect YOUR boundaries. This is why he’ll push you too far too fast (sexually) and why your nervous system will never feel CALM in his presence. He can’t be safe for you, because he is constantly on OFFENSE–trying to claim his identity and sense of self. This type of guy doesn’t take on responsibility in a reliable way. Meaning: his actions and words consistently align, and he is reassuring you and leading the relationship with openness and clarity.
You don’t need to “fix” this guy. You don’t need to wait around for him to get his sh*t together. He can be a genuinely good person, but until he is actively standing up to his mom and creating boundaries that give him a sense of identity WITHIN a relationship…he will never be the partner you need him to be. And asking him for what you need will always result in defensiveness–which will eventually condition you to believe that your needs don’t matter.
He can change. But let him do that on his own time.
You can find someone else who is fun AND is emotionally responsible.
Xo,
Liv
