Liv THello my love,
I have seen so often online, the sentiment of women craving the man who will treat her the way her friends treat her.
And I UNDERSTAND the desire. You want someone who pays attention to detail, someone thoughtful & considerate. You crave having someone accessible that checks in on your well being. Someone to yap with. You want the person who already knows which friend is being shady, who texts “did you eat,” who will sit on the phone while you fold laundry. That’s a real need.
In a lot of ways, your husband will grow into that person.
But you need to know: your husband will not treat you like your girlfriends do.
He’s not supposed to.
He doesn’t think like a woman, and he won’t act like one. What you may think is “considerate” may be against his nature. But not because he’s an insensitive jag. It’s because he doesn’t perceive things the same way you do..
Why women want a man who acts like a girlfriend
The fantasy is the “ideal boyfriend.” A man who acts like a one of the girls. Someone who can read your mind, who initiates the check-in. You love someone who notices and remembers the little details, and just “gets” your ups & downs.
That kind of care is real. Your girlfriends are good at it because they think like you do. They reflect you, and that feels like being seen, because it’s familiar. It’s how YOU think, notice, and act.
But sameness does not equal compatibility.
Your girlfriends feel so familiar and reassuring because you can relate to HOW they think. You understand WHY they move the way they move. It’s easy to track and digest because it’s how you think and behave and love.
And in many ways, your husband will grow into the person who cares MOST about your well-being. But that’s a lifelong learning process…for both of you.
Men aren’t wired the same way women are, and that can be hard to navigate. Especially in the beginning stages of a new connection.
Their brains don’t fire on the same pathways that women are operating on. He won’t love you like your girlfriends do…and that’s the point!
He is MEANT to be your complimentary counterpart. He is designed to be different. And as women, we need to learn how to appreciate that, rather than resenting it. Or worse: trying to change men to be more like women.
The restaurant seat debate
I sat in a cafe in Paris with some truly inspirational women to workshop our businesses. Eventually, the conversation made its way to dating and we all debated about whether men were “supposed” to offer women the booth seat in restaurants as an act of chivalry. Some women said men should offer women the booth seat because its more comfortable, and if he doesn’t, it means he doesn’t value her comfort over his own.
But I had a different take.
The conversation brought to mind a book I recommend ALL women read: Becoming Bulletproof by former Secret Service agent Evy Poumpouras. Evy breaks down the rigorous training she had to go through to learn spatial awareness and safety in private and public spaces. And it occurred to me when I was reading it how little attention I paid to where the door was when I was out on dates. I wasn’t constantly watching it or scanning for threats.
But my husband does. He NEVER lets me sit in the booth seat…and it has nothing to do with him not valuing my comfort.
And that’s the part women online right now misread in the restaurant seat debate: when he takes the seat with the view of the door, she thinks: “he doesn’t care about my comfort.”
He thinks: “I need to see what comes in before it gets to her.”
The furniture is not the point. Vantage perspective is. A man taking the booth can look selfish when women complain about it online, until you realize he naturally tends to sit where he can watch the entrance. Because his brain is wired for it. (This is also social etiquette — women are meant to sit towards the room so she can be SEEN by the room. He is meant to be out of view, and in the line of sight for protection.)
This is how his male brain orients himself around you. His biological imperative is to protect the potential mother of his children from any perceived threat.
And it doesn’t stop with seating arrangements, either.
I thought he was being difficult. He thought he was protecting me.
One night, we arrived at a hotel after a long day of travel, and without thinking I placed my bag down at my earliest convenience: on the bed right next to the door.
My husband walks in behind me, sees my bag, and immediately pushes it to the other side of the bed. I made an annoyed and sarcastic comment “apologizing” for putting my stuff in the wrong spot. He gave me this puzzled look. Then responded, “You know that IS the wrong side of the bed for you, right?”
I was too cranky to be sensible, and I got mad. I accused him of not wanting to walk around the bed and making me do it.
He calmly looked at me and said, “I sleep next to the door to protect you. If an intruder comes in, I need to be between you and the threat.”
That clicked something in my brain I absolutely never considered.
Years later, reading Becoming Bulletproof, Evy was discussing why a view of the entrance is the proper vantage point for protection. When I brought it up to my husband, he said, “Yes of course I know that. That’s why I always sit where I can see the door.”
Same logic in a theater or on a sidewalk: he takes the seat or the curb with the worse view of the threat.
I would NEVER think of that. And most women don’t, either.
He won’t love you like your girlfriends — and that is the point
Your girlfriends are not scanning the room for a physical threat first. Men are, without even thinking about it. That does not make him emotionally illiterate. It means his default is not your default.
Men will not treat you like your girlfriends do, and that’s a good thing. They think about the world in ways you have never considered because they are protecting you from it.
The great thing about men? They WANT to know how to love you. They CRAVE to learn you. He’s not going to do what your girlfriends do, but he is going to do what you ask him to do…in his own way. A lot of the time, it will not look like the way you would have done it.
The lily that was not a bouquet
I remember a birthday when I was first married. I told my husband I wanted him to get me lilies. He came home with a LIVE lily for me to plant. I was…perplexed. I thanked him but he could tell it wasn’t what I wanted. He asked me point blank if I didn’t like it, and I said I appreciated the effort, but I assumed he’d bring home a bouquet.
He said, “But those flowers are dead. I wanted to give you something with life. If you plant it, it will keep giving you beautiful flowers to look at.”
Like, are you kidding me?
I gave him a task and he thought about it in a way that never occurred to me. I didn’t want a live lily initially. I now have a beautiful lily plant in the corner of my living room that ALWAYS has flowers. I didn’t need him to become the kind of person who defaults to a bouquet. I needed to say the word bouquet. Once I did, he did that too — and I still have the plant.
I have never forgotten how sweet that was. Or how much I loved that he put thought into the gift instead of just doing what *I* would have done…which would be buying the bouquet. A girlfriend would have brought me a bouquet, and I would have loved it.
My husband brought me something so different and thoughtful that I was melted by it.
Neither is better than the other. The way your girlfriends love you IS beautiful and a wonderful part of your life. But you don’t need more of the same. You GET to have girlfriends who love you like only they can…
AND the man who loves you like only HE can.
What to ask for instead of “treat me like my friends”
Girlfriend care often sounds like: remember it without being asked, narrate it, act like I act.
So when you say “I’ll stay single until I find a man who treats me like my girlfriends do,” he hears “she wants a man who acts like a woman.” And in that moment, he’s not challenged to step up for you. He is resigned to let you find what you say you want. And he knows, it’s not him.
But calling men uncaring for acting differently than women is both short sighted and lacks a fundamental emotional maturing to let someone in your world who thinks in a way you don’t understand. And it is your job to try to understand him, teach him what you need, and communicate with patience.
Tell him what you want, and be clear. But not controlling. Let him take the reins in a way that is authentic to him.
Men WANT to make women they care about happy. When women say “I just want to see what he plans for a first date because it tells me about him” it is DEFLECTING. Because he wants to know what makes YOU happy. And he wants to know that you know, and will trust him with it.
That’s why as a matchmaker & executive dating consultant, I always tell my female clients to offer 3-5 options for a first date and let him pick the one he’s most excited about — because this does 2 things for him.
- It shows him that you can communicate what you need from him
- It extends a minimal, but appropriate offer of trust that invites him to be dependable for.
Those are requests a high-caliber man can fulfill without pretending to be one of the girls. Both of these things make him feel excited about being with you, and will make you feel a connection to him.
Why “I want a man who treats me like my girlfriends” keeps women lonely
One of the most detrimental things we’ve done is demand sameness. Wanting men to be more like women. Shaming their instincts. Calling masculinity toxic. Men don’t want to be feminized!
Asking him to treat you like a woman would treat you will not get you a happy relationship with a high caliber man.
As a matchmaker, I work with men who seek out women who let them be men. Feminine women who act like women. They want to be protectors. They thrive in polarity. They ask me for women who trust men — and who can say what they want without trying to sand him down first, or assign intentions to him when he does things in a way she wouldn’t do them.
He WANTS to make you happy. He wants to feel like you can count on him and that he gets to be the one who makes you feel safe. He doesn’t want to treat you like how another woman would. He wants to care for you in a way that only MEN can.
Xx,
Liv
PS! If this post hit a nerve, it’s because you’ve been asking a man to do a girlfriend’s job — then resenting him for failing at it. He can protect you, provide, stay, and learn you. He will not necessarily fit in to your group chat.
That gap is not fixed by finding a “nicer” boy, or “smashing the patriarchy.” It’s fixed by getting clear on what you actually want, and how high-caliber men offer care.
The Matchmaker’s Dating Handbook is my inside-scoop breakdown of how successful women stop dating on the girlfriend frequency and start showing up aligned with the men they actually want to marry. Inside: the perspective shifts, practical steps, and prompts I use with busy, high-powered women who are done wasting cycles on the wrong kind of considerate.
HOW TO GET A BOYFRIEND WHO ISN’T A GIRLFRIEND – FAQ:
Why doesn’t my boyfriend treat me like my best friend?
Because he is not your girl-friend. Close women often bond through details, tone, and ongoing access. Many men bond through provision, protection, and solving the thing they think you asked for. That can feel like neglect if you never say the girlfriend-version out loud.
Is it wrong to want check-ins and thoughtfulness from a man?
No. Want the check-in. Ask for the check-in. What keeps women stuck is demanding that he invent the girlfriend script without being told, then calling his different script unloving.
Why do some men sit facing the door or sleep closest to it?
For a lot of men it is spatial habit, not a slight. They want a view of the entrance “just in case”. Read the room before you read it as selfishness.
“What should I say instead of “be more like my girlfriends”?
Name the behavior. “Text me when you get there.” “I would love cut flowers.” Specific language gives him a job. A vibe does not.
