Liv Talley | NYC's Premier Dating Coach and LOVE QUEEN


Formula of Attraction

Obviously, everyone wants someone that they have chemistry with. And chemistry is all about formulas.

So what is the right formula? What factors contribute to that chemistry? Largely in line with Stephen R Covey’s 4 Dimensions of Being (see 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,) there are essentially 4 “levels” or variants of attraction.

Look for someone that matches you on 4 levels:

  1. Intellectual
  2. Physical
  3. Emotional
  4. Spiritual

It’s essentially common sense that you’re not likely to go out with someone that you are physically not into.

While you may be able to tote around your pride because you can say “I’m so deep and accepting, I’m willing to see beyond someone’s looks to get to know them as a person and love them.”

That’s not actually you being “not shallow.” How would you feel if the person you were in love with told you how thankful they were that they ignored your face because that allowed them to get to know your heart?

Let that really great person find someone else who thinks they are awesome, but also good looking.

Physical attractions vary. That’s okay.

And they don’t necessarily have to be the best looking person you’ve ever seen. That’s really not important to some people. You just have to be attracted enough to kiss. Because if you won’t even kiss them, you probably won’t *whistle* either.

Now, having established that you ARE going to want someone that you’d make babies with, let’s talk about how looks are NOT everything. They will fade.

SO, let’s explore the other levels of chemistry. Intellect, and emotional/spiritual fulfillment.

This is college town. Most people are going to school here or have graduated. So people are on varying levels of intellect. Some people are nerdy, some are coders, some are hair school girls (medium shade, but #nohate), readers, movie fanatics, entrepreneurs…etc.

It’s usually easiest to depict whether or not someone’s intellect aligns with yours by their humor. So pay close attention to the jokes they make and/or laugh at.

If you can’t laugh at life together, you’re going to be pretty miserable.

Many people look for someone who’s thinking challenges theirs, and others look for one who thinks and processes things the same. That’s between you and your significant other–but there are certain types of brains that are more compatible than others.

Most people fall into categories of being anxious, avoidant, or secure. Finding out what you are and who compliments you is v important. Watch for a more in-depth post about that at a later time.

Emotionally, you want to find someone that helps you feel loved. If you are the kind of person that needs words of affirmation and a lot of coddling, you might not get along great with someone who likes to push buttons with sarcasm.

Pay attention to their energy and where they get it from. If they get excited being around lots of people, or if they open up more when they have alone time.

Spiritual fulfillment–find someone who is on the same spiritual level that you’re at. If you are super passionate about going to church and you love temple trips, you may struggle being with someone who is passe.

On the flip side, if you aren’t sure where you stand with your faith, and maybe you don’t really care, it will probably drive you crazy to be with someone who is fiery about the gospel.

And it’s okay to look for someone who has lived a life similar to yours, if that’s what you’re looking for. Don’t let others make you feel bad for wanting what you want. This is YOUR eternal companion. You’re the only one that has to be happy with your choices.


BUT, as much as the cases mentioned might vary, if you don’t find someone that fulfills you on ALL FOUR LEVELS, it’s not going to work. That is always true. Or at the very least, your relationship is going to be really hard. 

That “something,” that gnaws at the back of your mind in your relationship, is absolutely one of these factors.

Figure out which one it is, and find someone that matches you on every one.

Relationships, dating, and your love life should be simple. It should be happy. So choose to make it that way.

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