Liv TLately it seems there’s a debate going on online around why more women are single (and what they can do about it if they don’t want to be.) The conversation has centered on one significant question: DO SUCCESSFUL WOMEN NEED TO START SETTLING?
And in this article, I intend to answer that, definitively.
As the WSJ published this article: American Women Are Giving Up on Marriage, it’s easy to see that modern, successful women are being told they’re better off alone than married with kids. And what’s WORSE, is how often I see the (false) claim that if a woman DOES want to get married and have a family in this modern age…she has to settle.
In my observation of the conversation itself, it seems like there are actually TWO different debates being had.
What I believe women are HEARING is: “you need to lower your standards if you want to get married.” (And to be sure, there *are* plenty of people saying that. Luckily, it’s nonsense.)
What I believe the message is SUPPOSED to be is: “you need to understand that some of your modern, feminist beliefs are simply INCOMPATIBLE with building a healthy/lasting relationship. And in order to welcome marriage & family, it may be time to reevaluate a few things.”
But let’s not leave out the big, MALE elephant in the room: a lot of men are giving up. So of course women are being more selective…
The first incorrect belief that has permeated the debate here, is that women BY AND LARGE are better off single.
While women are happier single now than they’ve been in previous generations of society, that doesn’t directly translate to being happier single than married to a man who has his sh* t together.
In fact, the data actually shows us: women who are single right now are reportedly MORE HAPPY than their single male counterparts. Right now, women seem to be doing better than men overall, and the effects of that are worth mentioning. Women who are happier single, tend to be the HAPPIEST in a marriage that feels expansive to them (not restrictive) and offers both equal partnership and support in motherhood.
This graph comes from an article published by the Institute for Family Studies and indicates that women who are in loving, supportive marriages, having kids, are the HAPPIEST demographic, with the lowest reported group of “not too happy”:
Not only that, but divorce rates are on the DECLINE. More couples who get married now, stay married. Which is a wonderful byproduct of accessibility, emotional responsibility, and independent wealth opportunities–specifically for women!
The fact that women can and DO make their own money, own property, (not to mention how available the internet makes online businesses possible for SAHM’s,) I’d argue is one of the greatest contributions to the overall quality of marriage. But that has also changed the demographics of marriage.
And I think it’s important to EQUALLY analyze the failing of extreme “mean-girl feminism” as well as the rise in “man-boy” culture…
In recent years, we’ve seen an exodus of around 7 million men in the workforce–in favor of video games or government welfare. Meanwhile, we’ve seen more women than ever ENTERING what used to be male-dominated fields and working them over. As more women rise to the top, we’re seeing men drop to the bottom…
And that gap is growing wider and wider–>making marriage undesirable for everyone who isn’t upper class.
With the economy in its current state and inflation making cost of living almost impossible for MOST Americans to buy a home, it’s no wonder that anything less than a dual-income union feels unfavorable. Another common phenomenon (that is destroying women’s perception of marriage) is the rise of the man-child husband. As women become wealthier and step into “breadwinner” roles in their marriage, we are seeing men take steps backwards and behave like, well, another child she needs to care for.
To any ambitious, high-powered woman–this would be unacceptable, and is currently the leading cause of women filing for divorce. And the seemingly, the best antidote to such a plight is to demand the next guy make EVEN MORE than she does. Or just not to get married again.
This kind of experience (along with dating the ever prevailing PETER PAN SYNDROME MAN), compounded with what I observe as the fear of judgment from OTHER feminist friends (who can often be unforgiving of disagreements in opinion or politics) has lead a lot of empowered women feels isolated and frustrated.
There’s an interesting phenomenon among feminist groups of women that serves as both an assumed sisterhood of the women inside it…and a vicious outcast of anyone who disagrees with the “approved” social stances.
Yes this includes politics, but I think it goes beyond that into views on money, college, and image.
For example: more and more women are headed to college for multiple degrees, while men are becoming less interested in formal education. The average university now has a 60/40 ratio of women VS men in attendance. And while it’s anyone’s prerogative to go to college, there is a notable difference in how college attendees view NON college educated dating options:
Women who attend college now view dating a man without a degree as undesirable partners, whereas men with degrees tend not to care.
To women, it’s socially “settling” to pair off with a man who doesn’t have a degree, doesn’t make ENOUGH (even if he still makes plenty) money, or social media comparisons.
And as less men become interested in degrees and more reliant on welfare…that definitely shrinks the pool of options for women, specifically.
In addition, as women make more money, the discrepancy of income has created its own barrier to building relationships. Did you know that female online business owners outearn most men working a typical 9-5 job by about 3 times?
At the end of the day, no matter how much money women make, our CORE NEED is to feel safe. It can feel threatening to date a man who appears unstable, or that your friends don’t approve of. Which can be especially hard as men and women drift further apart, politically. There is a much higher number of women who DIFFER from their friends (but don’t tell them for fear of ostracization), or who prefer or accept men with different politics than them that their friends don’t understand–but fear of being outcast from the group will have those women walking away from men in favor of the community of friends.
If I’m honest, I believe that is why Sara dumped Ben at the altar in season 8 of LIB.
HOWEVER, we can’t overlook the impact of losing men in the workforce, and the decline in specifically middle class marriages. As “blue collar” workers become seen as less-desirable marriage options, and government programs have expanded extensively since 1970, we’ve witnessed an exit of over 7 million men (between the ages of 25-54) from the workforce in the US. While it’s true that *some* of these men have left jobs to become stay-at-home-dads, that fraction is negligible.
The Mises Institute observes: “One thing is fairly clear: labor force participation is worse for men with less schooling. As Kreuger notes, labor force participation for prime age men has fallen for men at all education levels, “but by substantially more for those with a high school degree or less.” Indeed, labor force participation has barely fallen for men with advanced degrees, but has gone into steep decline among high school dropouts and those with no college.”
The correlation between education and participation in the workforce can’t be ignored–especially by hard working, successful women. However it does beg the question: are the good men who make good money through unconventional means (entrepreneurship, real estate, sales, etc) WITHOUT DEGREES, being overlooked?
One thing that seems to hold consistent for upper, middle, and lower class earners is that they ALL seemingly want to date upper class earners–regardless of gender.
But the affluent are only dating the affluent.
- So where does that leave everyone else?
- What about the men and women who are middle or lower class earners who refuse to date each other?
- Can a man be a leader in a relationship WITHOUT multiple degrees and being a shark in the corporate world?
Since women make their own money, it’s time for them to prioritize something DIFFERENT in a companion: EMOTIONAL SAFETY and masculine leadership.
Women making their own money demanding a partner who makes MORE than them is a sign of emotional disconnection & distrust…masquerading as a standard. There can be many factors as to WHY he may be making less than you. But the fight for equal pay in the workplace was built on the idea that discrimination exists in our workforce and that less pay does NOT mean less value of the individual…right?
And the automatic disqualifier of not having a degree? That is short-sided defensiveness.
I have LONG since taught women to throw their “lists” out the window, because they serve as a defunct method of filtering men when that job is internal. When YOU are deeply aligned in building the dream life you want and TRUSTING your inner feminine energy, you can see beyond checklist qualities and actually uncover the man.
Does making good money or having a Masters guarantee he will take care of you in hard times? Of course not. Does a large bank account mean he’s a strong but gentle masculine leader? Unfortunately no.
And I see over and over, women walking away from GREAT men who would have made incredible partners because he didn’t “look” right on paper.
I think women WANT a correlation between taking school//money seriously, and taking THEM seriously as romantic partners. But men who became successful and wealthy at a young age are LESS LIKELY to want to get married (because they have all the women chasing them.)
You CAN, absolutely and unquestionably have the loving marriage AND the wealth. But can you hold space for his journey to look different than you expect it to, or different than yours looked?
The women who are getting married are the ones who are capable of seeing the MAN outside of his accomplishments. Because these same women see THEMSELVES outside of *their* accomplishments. But the inability to invite men to join your life’s journey because he doesn’t match every “checklist” item that you HOPE will make him a good partner because that’s what society says (btw the majority of what social media declares as worthy is thinly veiled hypergamy), shows a deep emotional disconnection that is leaving women more alone than ever.
So do you need to settle for a man who lives in his mom’s basement and wastes his days playing video games just so you can get married?! ABSOLUTELY NO.
But do you need to understand that you may be using education and money as a defense mechanism to protect yourself from getting your heart broken? YES, ONE THOUSAND TIMES YES.
His money, his education, his success won’t make him a present father. His career won’t make him a loving husband. YOU went to school and stacked your bank account so you can be financially safe. So you need to ask him to offer something else. Something MORE.
Now obviously I’m not saying rich men will make bad husbands or fathers, but the majority of affairs in marriages happen when one or both spouses aren’t present enough at home (ie prioritize career over family.) And accomplished women I talk to in NYC constantly complain that the men in the city aren’t serious about dating because they’re too focused on their careers and never have time for dating.
Can you see how this is becoming impossible for men?
The couples who THRIVE together, who stay in love *and* are absurdly wealthy are the couples who prioritize their connection over work, AND who agreed to build their empire together…from the beginning. Do you need a man who already has millions of dollars to not feel like you’re settling? Or can you see the value in his ability to see you, cherish you, step up in the relationship to lead you to feeling secure in his presence EVEN IF he’s not where he wants to financially be…yet? Can you value his wisdom in living a full and interesting life IF it didn’t include higher education?
It’s NOT settling to focus on who someone is over what they have accomplished or how much money they make.
That doesn’t mean you *need* to pursue broke men–but it does mean you need to be emotionally mature enough to look BEYOND the bank account to let a man support you.
I hope this helps.
And if you need support pulling back the curtains on your fears and bringing you back to YOURSELF, so you can date intuitively (and actually meet quality men who want to get married), you can browse my coaching & matchmaking services!
Xo,
Liv
