Liv TListen, we’ve all been there…one minute he’s texting you with a thoughtful, flirty “can’t stop thinking about you”; the next week he ghosts you completely. And JUST when you’ve written him off for good, he pops back in with a “miss you” booty call that inevitably leads nowhere. Again. Mixed signals can feel like a code you could decipher if you JUST understand him better or give him more time… but they’re an indicator of a truth you need to acknowledge. Men and women send send mixed signals for different reasons — and understanding the difference will save you EONS in wasted time.
Interestingly enough, this article comes from a scene in SATC where the girls are at dinner and Berger breaks down teh reality of Miranda’s situationship.
And while I don’t actually subscribe to the “if he wanted to, he would” narrative, I do think mixed signals are a very clear message when they come from men…AT A CERTAIN POINT.
I want to help you SEE why the way you think as a woman sending mixed signals comes from deciding versus the mixed signals men send weeks, months, or even years into seeing you: deciding not to commit but still collecting benefits.
Men don’t think the way women think. They don’t make decisions or process things the same way.
1) When women send mixed signals: often, it’s because they’re still deciding
Many women who appear “hot-and-cold” aren’t playing games — they’re processing.
Early-stage attraction forces a juggling act: chemistry vs. compatibility, desire vs. caution, present attraction vs. past wounds. Research on adult attachment and relationship decision-making shows that ambivalence and uncertainty are common as people weigh emotional readiness and personal values before committing. In short: mixed signals can be the honest output of internal deliberation, not manipulation. PMC
What that looks like in practice: enthusiastic texts and thoughtful dates, paired with slower returns, hesitancy about defining the relationship, or nervousness when conversations turn serious. Often this pattern reflects an inner cost–benefit analysis (emotional risk vs. potential reward) rather than cold indifference.
Which is how women make significant decisions! We weigh the pros/cons, take into account past experiences, try to predict the future, AND on top of that…we are constantly navigating things through the lens of constantly fluctuating hormones that can DRASTICALLY change how we feel about a person, a situation, a relationship, etc., from one week to another.
Did you know it takes women on average TWICE as long as men to decide to make a commitment?
Did you further know men fall in love significantly faster than women?
And neither way is better than the other. It’s simply different. It IS.
When I first started dating my husband, I had been going on dates with another gent whom I had enjoyed and felt attracted to! We weren’t exclusive, but I wasn’t sure we were fully aligned as potential partners, either. So when my (now) husband, Christian, asked me out, I didn’t feel any reason to say no.
I was still open to other potential connections (and in truth, I had met Christian a few months prior and had a big crush on him ever since!) So when we reconnected at a friend’s birthday celebration, I was excited that he asked me out.
But I absolutely sent both of those men mixed signals…because I wasn’t sure who I wanted to see more! I went out on back-to-back dates with them over about a week. At one social gathering, I actively AVOIDED Christian because I had just been flirting shamelessly with the other guy in front of all the same people hours prior. I felt a bit guilty and confused because I genuinely liked both guys and they were both pursuing me.
To this day, 6 years later, my husband brings up that party that I avoided him, lol. “Remember when you totally ignored me because you were just flirting with that other guy?”
YES I REMEMBER. I was confused.
And so was he. But he decided to ask me out anyways and get clarity because he had already decided he wanted to see where things would go with me.
I wasn’t trying to be manipulative or to play games. I had two very great men asking me on dates at the same time, and I needed a second to decide who I felt more compatible with. Ultimately, of course, I felt that Christian and I had more fun together and I loved the way he would pay me attention. It was (and thankfully, still is) so focused. When I start yapping, he zones in on me and asks me these really thoughtful questions and I remember thinking that I wanted the man who saw me the way Christian does.
So that’s who I chose! But yes, on the way there, I put him through the ringer a bit.
And that’s how women’s minds tend to operate. Which is what you are projecting onto men who are sending you mixed signals. But that’s not how men’s brains work…
2) When men send mixed signals: the decision has already been made
There’s a body of social-science work that helps explain a different—and less flattering—way of thinking when it comes to mixed signals.
Social exchange theory describes human relationships as, in part, an assessment of costs and benefits: people stick around when benefits outweigh costs. When someone decides a long-term commitment isn’t worth it, they may nonetheless maintain connection if continuing the interaction brings social, sexual, or emotional payoff with a tolerable cost. That behavior produces textbook mixed signals: availability when it’s convenient, distance when it’s costly. PMC
Related research on mate-retention and mating strategies shows people use a range of tactics—sometimes subtle—to keep access to benefits without reciprocating full commitment. In other words, presence without pledge can be strategic, not accidental. PMC
And it’s important that you know that the reasonable, emotional, and intentional process you are going through as a woman is NOT what’s going through his mind. His brain does not fire the same. Male brains operate on circadian rhythms. Which means they’re going through the array of emotions that it takes women 28 days to go through in 24 hours. And it yields different results.
So let me clarify: I don’t believe “if he wanted to he would” is applicable to all men in all situations. Because I have seen first hand, good men that are emotionally mature will assess that a woman is energetically closed off to being approached, and will NOT risk getting turned down.
Men are seeking for the “yes” signals. They are unconsciously reading your body language, the eye contact, the aura you exude…and if he doesn’t get ENOUGH positive signals, he won’t engage.
BUT
What I’ve observed in men I’ve worked with, studied, read about, and explained to clients, is that they have ALREADY decided if they will make a commitment to you within the first 2-3 weeks of dating. They may not feel ready to bring up exclusivity at that time, but in my experience, they’ve already decided one way or another. And are again, waiting until they have enough “yes” signals from you before they ask.
Men may be the “leaders” of a relationship, giving it clear direction and goals, but women set the pace. You are the ultimate decider of when you become exclusive. Because by the time you feel confident about saying yes to commitment, he already made the choice.
So I say this with love: but if you are 3, 4, 5 + months into seeing a guy and you keep trying to get him to have the “what are we?” conversation…I hate to tell you that he has already decided it is not happening with you.
If he wants the commitment, he will either be trying to have the conversation with you (if you’re taking too long) or eager to have it once you bring it up. He won’t be dodging calling you his girlfriend 6 months into seeing you. ESPECIALLY not if you’ve been intimate together.
Recently I read a study that said “men have decided if they will marry a woman within 167 days of dating.” If you’re over the 6th month mark and you want to be in an official relationship and haven’t even taken that first step, I’m begging you to find someone else because that man is not going to commit to you.
And I’ve seen women make excuses for years about all the reasons that SHE can justify for being confused, scared, hesitant, or needing more time. Because when you initially made the decision about him, you thought through all those things! But my girl: his brain does not work the same as yours!
If you’re ready to call yourself his gf and he’s not on board (unless you’re trying to get too serious on date 1 or 2,) it’s because he has already decided you’re not the one he wants to be in a relationship with. And that’s not going to change with more time, or more sex, or deciphering.
3) Ambivalence is its own messy science
Ambivalence that simultaneously values and devalues the same relationship—creates emotional push/pull. Studies on relationship ambivalence show that attractive alternatives, jealousy, and conflicting perceptions of partner value generate mixed feelings that show up as mixed signals. Ambivalence can be common in the very early stages, but it’s also destabilizing. If someone is emotionally ambivalent, you’ll sense warmth and interest one day and distrust or distance the next. That inconsistency impacts trust and long-term satisfaction. ResearchGate
In the beginning, you have both the excitement of a new connection AND the uncertainty of whether this person is compatible. You’re exploring. You’re learning. And it’s perfectly okay for someone to be unsure in the first 2-3 weeks (I’d argue up to the first month) of dating. Especially if you are seeing other people and the dates are more intermitten.
I know this is unpopular (I got absolutely shredded for sharing this view on Threads) but honestly I think it’s unwise to sleep with someone if you haven’t even made the decision AND HAD THE CONVERSATION to commit.
But the leading psychology agrees with me.
The APA states: “waiting to have sex until marriage is linked to greater relationship satisfaction, stability, and better sexual quality in marriage, according to research from the American Psychological Association (APA), as it allows for deeper emotional intimacy and bonding before physical intimacy, reducing focus on immediate pleasure and fostering stronger non-sexual connection.”
I will always tell my clients that I advise waiting to have sex until they have a ring on their finger. Which is their prerogative to adhere to or not. But jumping into bed with someone you haven’t established the trust with to just make the most minimum commitment to each other can get messy and leads to a lot of unnecessary broken hearts.
If you can’t trust him to call himself your man, officially, why on earth would you trust him with your sacred creative vortex?
4) Communication patterns that compound confusion
It’s worth noting that inconsistent communication in the beginning correlates with lower relationship satisfaction over time; small acts (slow replies, vague plans) add up and signal different levels of investment.
If the person you’re seeing communicates in ways that repeatedly leave you guessing, that pattern is predictive — not just annoying. PMC
I was just on the phone with my husband, discussing someone who is dealing with inconsistent text communication. He said “Oh man, I remember dealing with that and it was the worst. That was a big reason why I was so attracted to you when we first met–because you didn’t make me wait for days for a text back. You were consistent & responsive from the start and it was so nice not to play that game with you.”
Now it’s 6 years later and we still rapid fire text each other unless we are literally unable to use our phones. Not that you need to be talking all day, every day from the start–but being prompt in your responses is the least you/the person you’re getting to know, can do.
The cadence of your connection in the first 3 months sets the stage for the rest of your relationship.
So when you meet someone, YES there’s going to be a learning curve. But are they actually trying? Or are they too aloof to learn you?
How to tell the difference (deciding vs. decided-not-to-commit) — a practical checklist
Use these elegant, yet straight-forward cues to read the signals without losing your composure:
-
Timeframe or pattern: Are their mixed behaviors short-term (a few dates, nervousness) or persistent over months? Short-term → likely deciding. Persistent → more likely a low-investment strategy.
-
Investment check: Do they match words with concrete investments (plans, introductions, consistent time)? If yes, they might be deciding. If no, they’re enjoying benefits without reciprocation.
-
Consistency under cost: When things get inconvenient (busy work week, a small conflict), do they step up or disappear? Commitment rises under cost; convenience-only behavior disappears.
-
Boundary litmus: Set a small boundary (e.g., “I’m not ok with late-night texts only; let’s plan a proper phone call”). See whether they respect it. Respect = potential. Dismissal = decision against you.
-
Ask — but with style: A direct question framed from your values — not a demand — often elicits clarity. Example: “I love spending time with you; can you tell me what you’re wanting out of this?” Watch the answer and the follow-up behavior.
And if you’re still deciding, here’s how to navigate with grace:
-
Give yourself permission to be discerning.
-
Ask for what you need clearly, confidently, and with kindness but ALSO invitation to hear the other person’s response.
-
Set a timeframe for your patience (you can be kind and decisive).
-
Try a curiosity-first conversation: “I’m wondering where we’re going — what are you feeling?” If they’re honest and engaged, proceed. If they avoid, trust the pattern.
Final note:
Mixed signals are information, not verdicts. They tell you whether the person in front of you is figuring themselves out — or consciously choosing not to be fully present. The gain is the same either way: clarity.
The brain becomes FASCINATED by confusion, because its design is to process and decode information. It needs to make conclusions based on the info presented to it. So when it can’t, you become hyper-focused on what doesn’t make sense as you try to decipher whether you are safe or not. It’s a primal response…and it’s actually so powerful in controlling human behavior that governments have been USING “confusion” as a strategy for deploying effective propaganda since the 1960’s.
Both the CIA & and KGB will drop confusion in news, narratives, or around situations they want to control because it captures the human mind in a nearly inescapable way. And when the mind is confused, it will ACCEPT the first conclusion presented (whether it is true or not) because it needs a definitive conclusion to hold onto.
But as long as you are being fed confusion, you will stay focused on the cause of your confusion…ie the person you can’t walk away from!
So create your OWN conclusion about mixed messages in dating. Decide that uncertainty is rejection. Yes, it will hurt–but you’ll heal and move on! And just like ripping off a bandaid, that’s the less painful option than staying stuck in the back-and-forth of another person’s incongruent behavior.
If actions don’t match words, let that be your indicator that this person is WRONG for you. Someone who says they want a relationship but avoids making things “official” or someone who says they don’t want commitment but tries to sleep with you is a person giving mixed messages. Draw your own conclusion without needing external validation from someone who isn’t being honest with you. It will bring you away from the wrong people and closer to the right people faster.
And if you need help gaining clarity for yourself, understanding your own LOVE MAP (a clear picture of your values and what you need in a relationship/why, as well as being able to SEE your dating patterns in order to choose a new behavior) will help empower you along your dating journey…just as it has helped my own clients and countless singles!
You can book your LOVE MAP CALL by clicking here
I love you!
Cheers to your BEST, most clear 2026
Xx,
Liv
Sources & further reading (selected):
Attachment and adult relationship processes. PMC
Social exchange theory: systematic review and implications for relationships. PMC
Mate retention strategies and their role in relationship maintenance. PMC
Mixed and conflicted: ambivalence in romantic relationships and attractive alternatives. ResearchGate
Within-couple communication and relationship satisfaction (longitudinal findings). PMC
