Liv Talley | NYC's Premier Dating Coach and LOVE QUEEN

Attraction

Are you too picky?

Hi there,

Welcome back to the blog–as promised, I’m focusing more on writing long-form content for you, and this week I wanted to be intentional to dive into what it really means to be “too picky” and whether or not that’s something to change in order to get the love you want.

So when I hear about people being too picky, usually it means you’re out of touch with yourself. If you have a lengthy list of qualities you “absolutely can’t live without” otherwise you’ve convinced yourself that you’re settling…it’s time to get real.

I’m going to go ahead and guess that even if you DID find someone who checked every box, you’d STILL be unhappy and look for reasons to break up. The reason? Because you’re looking for something external to make you feel VALIDATED, when you actually need to be more honest with yourself about why you think those checklist qualities will make you happy.

Because if you start to look at why certain qualities are on your list, you’ll have to face your own parameters around them.

Usually, it’s not really that you’re too picky or that you’ll never be able to find the person who is everything you’re looking for. And I’m NOT the person to tell you to settle when it comes to what you’re committing to forever. Rather, it’s that your personal definitions of what those qualities look like are too narrow. Which of course makes sense, because your definitions come from your experiences!

But let’s break this down, together…

For example, when I was dating, I wanted to marry someone who was physically active. To me, that meant someone who went to the gym regularly. But as I dated “gym bros” I was always feeling like something was missing. I reasoned with myself and said it was because OTHER qualities from my checklist weren’t lining up–but that just wasn’t true.

Even though I personally go to the gym daily, my intention is to have time to myself to think. In fact, I’d say 50% of the days I’m at the gym, I’m lost in meditation, writing down business ideas, or posting content that I’m inspired by in the middle of a set. I don’t go to get “swole” or to change the way my body looks. It’s really just a place for me to connect with my own body and mind. And I didn’t meet a lot of guys who did spend every day at the gym who felt the same.

However, when I met my husband–he told me he HATED the gym and working out. At first, that seemed like a red flag of incompatibility. But then we’d go hiking together; dancing, camping, and he could give me a run for my money–physically! So then I had to pause and say: what am I really wanting when I say I want someone active? Because here was this guy who WAS active, but not in the way I thought it “should” look or what I decided “active” meant.

Same with traveling! I had on my list that I wanted someone who traveled/travels a lot because I wanted to travel with my husband. But when I met Christian–he wasn’t traditionally “well traveled.” (The first time he ever went to Europe was with me.) AND he showed me new ways to experience the world that didn’t look like global jet-setting. I realized that it wasn’t TRAVEL that was important to me; rather that I just wanted to feel like I was experiencing all the world had to offer–and Christian showed me how to do that exactly where I was.

In no way do I believe that I settled in my marriage. It’s better than I even hoped it would be!

But the qualities that my husband has are DIFFERENT than what I thought I “needed” to get the marriage of my dreams.

And I can say the same for him–he told me he had on his list someone that was educated (with a degree) and a career. I am WELL educated, but I don’t have a degree. I have a business that isn’t a traditional career.

It’s not about the qualities themselves. It’s about what you want to build FROM the qualities. Today, we ARE jet-setters. Literally last weekend we took a jet to our friends’ wedding. But if I decided I couldn’t marry Christian because he didn’t travel like I did, I don’t think there’s any way I’d be flying private. If I decided that him not going to the gym meant he wasn’t “active,” I would never have the perspective I currently do about how to experience life.

SO MUCH has opened itself up to us because we’ve been able to step outside of strict definitions of what life is “supposed” to look like. I am so much happier with someone who embodies what I wanted BEHIND the qualities on my list, than I ever was with guys who checked all the boxes on the surface.

My friend, you’re missing the mark when you’re too focused on checklist qualities.

When it comes to a healthy, lasting relationship, you need only 4 key components:

  1. Shared VALUES; do you hold similar belief systems for how you see the world/want to raise a family together?
  2. Shared VISION; do you want to build the same type of life/lifestyle?
  3. Attraction; yes, you ARE going to have sex with your spouse–it’s okay to want someone who you find sexy!
  4. Relationship skills; what is required to connect, resolve conflict, be emotionally safe, and grow together

Everything else is just a feeling, and let’s face it: feelings change all the time. You’re not going to feel 100% obsessed with someone all the time–and the expectation that you will is unhealthy. It’s NORMAL to feel love for someone and still ask yourself if you want to be with them forever. It’s normal to have doubts. You will have times when one of you is “more” into the other (and then you’ll switch places.)

STOP CHASING A LIST.

Start getting clear on what you want your life to look like with someone else and WHY you want that life. Then give yourself grace as you meet people who align with the vision that sometimes they can want the same thing, but you aren’t that excited about them.

You WILL meet someone who shares your values + vision, that you enjoy, and that you’ll grow to feel more compatible with over time. Remember that loving someone is a CHOICE. And if you don’t want to choose to love someone, you don’t need to force that–regardless of their qualities.

Because on the other hand, you may find that you just WANT to choose someone, even though they don’t “look” exactly like what you pictured from your checklist. And you may further find that they’re BETTER than what you thought you wanted!

Like who you like, and chill TF out about the checklist. Stop worrying so much about whether you’re settling because someone doesn’t have a certain quality and start trusting yourself.

Do you OVERALL feel good with this person?
Do you enjoy being with them?
Are you both working towards similar goals/lifestyles?
Are you attracted *enough* to have fun kissing?
Can you work through conflict constructively together?

THESE are the appropriate filters to help you decide if someone is a good match for you in the long term!

Does that help?

If you want to ask questions or dive into this deeper, I’d like to invite you to join my FREE FB group
(Make sure you answer all the questions to be admitted!)

I love you, and I’m so glad you’re here.

Xo,
Liv

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