Liv Talley | NYC's Premier Dating Coach and LOVE QUEEN

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Agonizing over an ex?

Hi babe,

As promised, I’m here delivering some NON Bachelor content, and today’s post is a GOODIE…especially if you are still stuck on an ex.

A few months ago, this sweet girl sent a dm. We chatted occasionally for a few months and I got to know her situation. She’s had a hard time with dating, and felt like she hit a wall with the other methods she was trying to improve her outcomes.

She explored therapy, EFT tapping, and a myriad of other healing modalities–and she laid a solid foundation for being vulnerable and open to working through her experiences.

That’s where I come in. As a high-level dating coach, my job is to elevate people into the seemingly impossible. (Which can only be done with a certain level of readiness and personal accountability.)

She was THERE.

Open, trusting, available, and WILLING to take on responsibility for herself and her outcomes.

In our first week coaching together, she came to me VERY vulnerable and open about being hung up on an ex she had broken up with several months prior, WHY she was still stuck on him, and her very REAL belief that he was “it” for her–the perfect match and the “one” she was destined to be with.

AND she was open to what I had to tell her…

“I *need* It to work out with this guy, I just feel like he’s the one for me” — she shared.

The wording is deeply revealing. It tells a story in and of itself. It describes a deeper wound that is crying out to be seen.

This language tells the story of what this client PERCEIVED love to be in childhood. We ALL typically look at our opposite sex parent (or authority figure) and create a story of who we need to be in order to receive love from them. This is how we conceptualize romantic love.

What she told me was that she needed her EX to give her love in a way she perceived it being withheld In childhood. (Whether or not that is TRUE is another conversation, but the perception matters).

Do YOU know how you first perceived love? This happens around ages 4-6, and If you aren’t sure–LOOK AT YOUR DATING PATTERNS.

She was trying to “fix” something she believed she lacked through the guys she dated. This guy would be reflective of that figure from childhood in many ways–(mostly in how he made her FEEL.)

But what would happen if she DID get her ex back?

The belief you act out is emotional, and subconscious (chasing after a guy who is emotionally unavailable) but it’s the actual DYNAMIC OF THE CHASE that traps you. Because the chase is what your BODY has identified as the “safe” way to operate, because it KNOWS what will happen if you act in this dynamic.

Meaning, even if you could placate your subconscious by getting the validation from your ex–and that DID fill the void of what you feel like you always wanted from childhood–your body wouldn’t allow you to enter into that dynamic (long-term) because it’s unfamiliar. Since you BELIEVED for so long that love is “unavailable,” your body feels safest in situations where love is continued to be withheld.

Does that make sense?

I shared that with my client, and she (very understandably) got quite emotional. She had never taken the time to process how reliving those patterns again and again had been “recorded” in her body as her most natural state of being. Even though it’s an improper dynamic, if it’s familiar, your body will reject anything else. The body only knows what it knows, and it will automatically reject what is new–even if it’s BETTER FOR YOU.

That’s a lot, I know. But you *need* to understand this to let go of your ex!

When this all clicked for her, she was able to trace back to where this pattern started, why she created it in the first place, SEE how she had been repeating it, and how this guy filled the role of her perceived “perfect match.”

That night she practiced some somatic healing techniques, and the next day–within 24 hours–she messaged me again.

“I’m a different person. I don’t know how to explain it but I’m OVER that guy. I see what I was doing, and I don’t choose to do that anymore. I DESERVE MORE!” (paraphrasing)

And she is, truly and sincerely over him. She’s not waiting for him, pining, or playing out stories of what it means that they aren’t together. She’s just, done. And on to some new sh*t, Taylor Swift style.

Being stuck on your ex is a story you’re telling. Yes, there are emotions attached. Yes, those emotions are deep. But it goes beyond the emotions and into an IDENTITY you’ve created about how you are “safest” in a romantic dynamic. And remember that safe in this context means FAMILIAR. (You could also use the word comfortable, but comfort is not as compelling as what you are literally perceiving as life and death.)

Inside your patterns, your body is physiologically saying “we will stay in a toxic dynamic that we know because the outcome is predictable, rather than entering into a situation that may be HEALTHY but the outcome is unknown–because the unknown *could* mean death.”

So the story with your ex is: I AM SAFEST CHASING WHAT I CANNOT HAVE

That’s why you’re stuck on someone who is actively NOT choosing you…

If this is you; if you see yourself in this story, or if you’re agonizing over an ex, it’s time to let it go.

Let the STORY go. Let the identity you created inside your story change. Become the person who GETS what you want, by uncovering what you’ve been replaying again and again–and then replacing it with the dynamic you WANT to play out.

Your patterns are telling your story of how you ultimately see yourself.
What are yours saying about you?

If this resonates, strikes a nerve, or INSPIRES you to take action as bold as this client–send me an email: livtalley@thesealeddeal.com or a dm on IG: livtalley_coach

I love you. And I want the VERY best for you. So if I can help you, I want to! Feel free to reach out about available coaching options that best support your situation.

Xo,
Liv

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